Imagine waking up every morning and heading into work at your desk at the Onion, and having to top this:
"You might be able to make this up. But it would require a pretty disturbed mind. Where to begin. Initially being investigated for disabling the fire alarm systems in his hotel room, due to shower steam, he claimed, it was discovered he had replaced the hotel room door with a piece of plywood. The plywood contained a circular padded hole believed to be used for sexual acts."
I guess if you are making six figures a year keeping the proles in line, you can afford to do your own remodeling at a motel.
Jack booted thugs need love, too, you know.